Monday, 23 May 2011
Well what can i say, This was just such an amazing day Family and Friends gathered in the village i grew up in to celebrate our special girl. For me and the children our day started at 4 am. we were up dressed and out as early was we could so we were able to get to the hall, the venue for the after do to set up with food decorations tables chairs and of course most important of all TOYS.
Time soon slipped away so there was a convoy through the village and up to the Church. It was a great feeling to walk in to the church with Arrianna in my arms in her beautiful Christening gown i had brought specially for her. so many faces were please to see us return as both Kellyn and Ceienna and myself were baptized here. I was amazed that Arrianna being so special was included in the vicars sermon but it felt wonderful this was my baby my girl. I looked around at my family and friends all beaming with pride over her.
Monday, 16 May 2011
Recently we were visited by the presenter of BBC Radio Shropshire's Breakfast Program Claire Ashford a very lovely lady. She came to do an interview on Arrianna and coping with Downs Syndrome. The story was aired in 3 parts i am really grateful to Radio Shropshire for giving us the time to tell Arrianna's Story and hopefully helping others along the way. The show is available for the next 7 days on BBC i Player http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00gl0t0
Huge Thank you to Claire (Lovely to Meet your Lovely Lady) and to Radio Shropshire for giving us the time to tell our story.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
I am currently Reading this deeply moving tale. Its about a Doctors whos wife gives birth to twins, The baby girl has the signs of Downs Syndrome so the Doctor asks the nurse to take her to an institution but instead she runs away and raises her as her own. The Memory Keepers Daughter has also been made into a film.
When i fell pregnant with Arrianna it was not planned but we were over joyed at the news once it had sunk in and i had what my midwife called a normal healthy, Nothing for me could be further from the truth. Though i was well in my general health i was slowly loosing more and more of my mental health. On the surface i kept going fighting myself to get up every morning for the sake of the children, in all honesty my two wonderful children kept me going giving me a purpose in life. As Christmas approached i slipped further and further into the hole, events from my life which i had push aside and forgotten about prayed upon my mind there was just no escaping it. I became totally vile to those around me and couldn't under stand why. Many time i slipped into such a state ending up on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out, screaming snot running out my nose and in my hair rocking back wards and forwards knowing it was wrong but i just could not snap out of it which i hated myself for even more because i used to hate myself for getting in such a state. Also certain things i did i could not work out why i had done them. I was taking everything the wrong way certain people only had to look at me and i was off shouting and screaming again. Some times i would cry 2 or 3 times a day and for no reason.
As through this i was mostly on my own all i craved was love understanding and security. I have never ever felt so alone, i wanted nothing more during these time than to be taken into someone's arms and just held until the bad times faded away. But i was also blind i could not see those who were there trying to help me i just thought everyone hated me and the world would be a better place with out me. In the final month of my pregnancy it was worse than ever. When i was alone, after the children had gone to bed i would start hitting myself for no real reason and even now i can not understand why i did such things. It didnt even make me feel better but it does show just how much i hated myself.
All this changed the night my beautiful daughter Arrianna was born. The day before i had phoned my midwife in total dis-pare i was in alot of pain i couldn't walk and i just cried my eyes out on the phone to her, i was not even at home i had got into my car and drove looking for someone to show they cared about me, i sat for hours in a car park with my head resting on the steering wheel crying and crying with hours slipping by, as it was half term the children were staying with my parents which was lucky i would not have liked them to see me in such a state.
The midwife told me to go to Shrewsbury Hospital, I drove there, on the way i start having contractions, only to be told at the hospital this was not labor. I was admitted over night into the hospital, i begged God fro someone to walk through the door of the private room i had been placed in but again i was alone. At lunch time the next day i was allowed to go home, my contractions where still happening and had been all night. But thinking the hospital was right and i was not in labor i drove to see my children, Just hours later i was re admitted, and 40 minutes after that i held Arrianna in my arms. Due to events which had happened earlier i was bleeding badly. but as i felt the gushing of blood from my body so did all the bad feelings i just lay there and felt like everything bad was flowing away. My darkness lifted and i smiled again, tears of joy and happiness of new found love welled up inside me but i could not cry. For once i had the strength to stop the tears flowing. I was offered medical intervention to stop the bleeding but i declined. i believed that it was in God's hand if he wanted me to live the bleeding would stop and it did. As i looked at my precious baby i could see by her face she was going to need me. Suddenly i understood what this sadness had all been about. I believe i had baby blues while i was pregnant so i was free from all bad feeling once Arrianna was born so i could handle the Downs Syndrome as well as i did and so i could help her fight whilst in the incubator. I spoke to my midwife soon after coming home about my experience and she didn't agree she says i was just very low , but after my experience i asked her if ever she come across another situation like mine. Care for the mental health as well as the Physical health, cause no matter how much you rest you can not escape the demons in your head.
The Picture above is called the scream its i picture i often visualized during this time as how i felt screaming but no one could hear me. Painted in 1893 by the artist Edvard Munch. An impressive piece of Expressionist Artwork which has a way of making you think.
Thanks to Everyone on Facebook for putting up with my moaning at this time. Means loads to me.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Recently i have started raising money for the Downs Syndrome Association, i am doing this through selling items on ebay. We have been given lots of items lately to sell including clothes and electrical equipment which will soon be available to by on ebay 25% of the sale price from these items will go the the Downs Syndrome Association and the rest on the money raised will go into a special account i have for Arrianna. To view these items please
For more information on the Downs Syndrome Association please visit their website
Huge Thank You to Everyone For Your Donations.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Arrianna is now 9 weeks old so i thought it was time for an update. This week its been quite a hard hitting week. Earlier in the week Arrianna and i headed down to Wrexham Hospital once again, Arrianna was very well behaved for these tests today sleeping all the way through, unfortunately the results were not good. Arrianna has glue ear which results in her only having 50% of her hearing in both ears. This may fix itself with time but if not there is a possibly a chance she may need gromits fitted which will be done by surgery, however this may not work.
A little later in the week we had an appointment at the doctors for Arrianna's medical and her first set of jabs. Unfortunately Arrianna was found to still be more floppy than a baby her age should be and her heart murmur is still there. Also she was give a prescription for her nappy rash which she has had since birth. She had her jabs she hardly flinched, no surprise after all the needles she has had in her short life .
So that brings you up to date on a hard week for us both.