Thursday, 5 May 2011

Slipping into the Darkness of your Mind

When i fell pregnant with Arrianna it was not planned but we were over joyed at the news once it had sunk in and i had what my midwife called a normal healthy, Nothing for me could be further from the truth. Though i was well in my general health i was slowly loosing more and more of my mental health. On the surface i kept going fighting myself to get up every morning for the sake of the children, in all honesty my two wonderful children kept me going giving me a purpose in life. As Christmas approached i slipped further and further into the hole, events from my life which i had push aside and forgotten about prayed upon my mind there was just no escaping it. I became totally vile to those around me  and couldn't under stand why. Many time i slipped into such a state ending up on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out, screaming snot running out my nose and in my hair rocking back wards and forwards knowing it was wrong but i just could not snap out of it which i hated myself for even more because i used to hate myself for getting in such a state. Also certain things i did i could not work out why i had done them. I was taking everything the wrong way certain people only had to look at me and i was off shouting and screaming again. Some times i would cry 2 or 3 times a day and for no reason.

As through this i was mostly on my own all i craved was love understanding and security. I have never ever felt so alone, i wanted nothing more during these time than to be taken into someone's arms and just held until the bad times faded away. But i was also blind i could not see those who were there trying to help me i just thought everyone hated me and the world would be a better place with out me. In the final month of my pregnancy it was worse than ever. When i was alone, after the children had gone to bed i would start hitting myself for no real reason and even now i can not understand why i did such things. It didnt even make me feel better but it does show just how much i hated myself. 

All this changed the night my beautiful daughter Arrianna was born. The day before i had phoned my midwife in total dis-pare i was in alot of pain i couldn't walk and i just cried my eyes out on the phone to her, i was not even at home i had got into my car and drove looking for someone to show they cared about me, i sat for hours in a car park with my head resting on the steering wheel crying and crying with hours slipping by, as it was half term the children were staying with my parents which was lucky i would not have liked them to see me in such a state. 

The midwife told me to go to Shrewsbury Hospital, I drove there, on the way i start having contractions, only to be told  at the hospital this was not labor. I was admitted over night into the hospital, i begged God fro someone to walk through the door of the private room i had been placed in but again i was alone. At lunch time the next day i was allowed to go home, my contractions where still happening and had been all night. But thinking the hospital was right and i was not in labor  i drove to see my children, Just hours later i was re admitted, and 40 minutes after that i held Arrianna in my arms. Due to events which had happened earlier i was bleeding badly. but as i felt the gushing of blood from my body so did all the bad feelings i just lay there and felt like everything bad was flowing away. My darkness lifted and i smiled again, tears of joy and happiness of new found love welled up inside me but i could not cry. For once i had the strength to stop the tears flowing. I was offered medical intervention to stop the bleeding   but i declined. i believed that it was in God's hand if he wanted me to live the bleeding would stop and it did. As i looked at my precious baby i could see by her face she was going to need me. Suddenly i understood what this sadness had all been about.  I believe i had baby blues while i was pregnant so i was free from all bad feeling once Arrianna was born so i could handle the Downs Syndrome as well as i did and so i could help her fight whilst in the incubator. I spoke to my midwife soon after coming home about my experience and she didn't agree she says i was just very low , but after my experience i asked her if ever she come across another situation like mine. Care for the mental health as well as the Physical health, cause no matter how much you rest you can not escape the demons in your head. 

The Picture above is called the scream its i picture i often visualized during this time as how i felt screaming but no one could hear me. Painted in 1893 by the artist  Edvard Munch. An impressive piece of Expressionist Artwork  which has a way of making you think. 

Thanks to Everyone on Facebook for putting up with my moaning at this time. Means loads to me. 

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